Canon Backfire
by giselle-lx
Summary: A collection of humorous short-short stories in the canon Twilight universe. Rating may change as additional fics are posted.
1. Acronymy

**Disclaimer**: As always, the characters and their world belong to Stephenie Meyer. Any mistakes I have made interpreting them, are, of course, my own.

**Note on the Series:** I tend to write rather heavy fiction, both for myself and for fanfic. But every now and again I have inspiration for something whose whole point is just to be humorous. It is my hope that by having a place to throw these, I will be inspired to occasionally step back and bang out a little bit of funny. Enjoy!

**Summary: **When Carlisle picks up Edward and Alice from school, he discovers that his vocabulary is lacking a very important word.

**Note on "Acronymy": **This piece was originally written for **ninapolitan's **birthday in 2009, and as such, is dedicated to her. Authors from all over fandom chose one-word prompts and wrote fics for her. I, however, had an interesting conundrum—how does the writer who writes one of the most paternal canon Carlisles in fandom write a story for the woman who instantiated the original Hot Bitch? Well, I picked a word that that sums up **ninapolitan's** approach to our beloved blond doctor—DILF—and decided to see what my Carlisle would think of it. Here's the result.

**Acronymy **  
for Nina

_**acronymy **_**(n.) **The act of using or creating acronyms.

A school bus chugged at the curb, dumping its exhaust in the direction of the line of bored, tired parents. The thought of what carpool pick-up lines did to the human lung was disturbing, at best. I had the luxury of not breathing—the parents around me weren't so lucky.

As usual, the other parents granted me a fairly wide berth. A few offered a tentative wave, one, the father of a member of the football team whose fingers I had splinted the week before had given me a hearty, "It's good to see you, Dr. Cullen." But for the most part, they stayed away. Our family was unusual at best, and the whole of Forks seemed not to know what to make of the young surgeon and his wife and their five adopted teenagers who had just moved to town.

It was fine by me. The quieter we kept things, the longer we would stay.

This was the first time I'd had to come to the school for pick-up. The junior class was away on a field trip to Seattle to see the Royal Shakespeare Company present _The Merchant of Venice. _Alice and Edward, of course, were beyond capable of driving themselves home in the absence of Rosalie, Jasper, and Emmett—far more capable than the true fifteen-year-olds who sat in their classes—but these were the kinds of things we had to be careful of. According to the State of Washington, Alice and Edward were only learners, granted permits by being past their half-birthdays, but not fully licensed drivers.

And so I was here to fully support the charade; the father dutifully come to retrieve his children.

The final bell rang, and the high school buildings seemed to explode like hives of bees. Students came pouring out of every entrance—boys slapping one another, cuffing shoulders, and hollering obscenity-laden sentences about their homework loads; girls giggling over a cute football player or perhaps the shy boy in their English classes, and a handful of couples nervously holding hands. I leaned against the Mercedes as the students streamed past me, climbing into their second-hand cars and whizzing off with a dangerous ineptitude.

"That's Dr. Cullen. The new doctor."

My head snapped back toward the school at the sound of my name. Two girls, a shorter brunette and a slightly taller blonde, had emerged from one of the side exits, and were headed toward the parking lot. I saw the blonde lift a hand in greeting, and a light-haired woman several cars ahead of me waved in answer.

The two girls giggled, heads close together. They, of course, believed themselves to be having a perfectly private conversation, for which others of their friends' parents could hear them from two hundred yards away? I meant to tune them out—the invasion of the privacy of the humans around me through my heightened senses was an unfortunate reality that I tried my hardest to avoid. But their voices were too shrill, or perhaps it was because we were still too new, but I listened in anyway.

"Yeah, he's Edward's dad? And Alice's, and the ones who are juniors? The big one and the blonde and Alice's boyfriend." The blonde giggled.

"I wonder what he's doing here?" asked the other.

"Duh. The blonde always brings them, yeah? All the juniors are gone."

They both shot another glance in my direction, and immediately looked down and giggled when they saw I was looking their way.

"The juniors should be gone more often," said the brunette, a moment later.

"I know, right?" The blonde giggled, and then dropped her voice to a whisper so quiet I guessed even her friend had trouble hearing her. "He's a total dilf."

I felt my brow furrow. I worked to stay on top of slang, at least to the best of my abilities. But this was a term with which I was wholly unfamiliar. The girls drew closer, and both averted their eyes as they walked over to the now-idling minivan driven by the blonde's mother.

"Carlisle?"

I jumped at the sound of Edward's voice, causing Alice to giggle.

"I'm sorry, did I startle you?" My son's question was polite, but his face was smug.

"I'm telling Esme," Alice teased. "They probably have a crush on you."

I shrugged, tossing Edward the keys. It was another very important part of the charade—although our family rarely fussed over who got behind the wheel, no human teenager with a learner's permit turned down the opportunity to drive.

"Trust me," I answered my daughter as the three of us climbed into the Mercedes, "Esme is in no position to fault a teenage girl for finding me attractive."

Alice giggled again from the back seat, and Edward just shook his head as he put the car into gear and left the parking lot.

"So, what were you thinking about?" he asked, when we were a ways from the school. "You seemed confused about something."

"Oh, it's nothing," I answered, looking out the window as we zipped past the last buildings on the outskirts of town. "Just a word I didn't know."

"A word _you _didn't know?" Alice giggled. "Do you hear that Edward? I think that's the sound of Hell, freezing over."

Edward smirked. "I have to say I'm surprised, Carlisle. What was the word?"

I frowned again, remembering the quiet whisper and the conspiratorial giggle. "It's nothing, really," I answered. "It's just that I was listening to the two girls—"

"—Jessica and Lauren," Alice supplied. "Go on."

As though she didn't know what I was about to ask.

"Well, they called me a" — the word sounded just as foreign in my head as it had on her lips— "dilf? What does that mean?"

My body was suddenly jolted as Edward yanked the wheel first to the left in shock, then quickly course-corrected. Alice burst out laughing.

"Could you _warn_ me if he's going to ask something like that?" he spat, turning backward to give Alice the evil eye.

She smiled and stuck her tongue out at him. But neither answered the question.

I watched spruce trees whiz by for another half-mile before probing again.

"Well?"

Edward sighed, his brow pulling together. "Carlisle," he said finally, "you know how you often tell me that I would be better off not knowing some of the things I find out from people's thoughts?"

"Yes…"

He nodded resolutely. "_This_…would be one of those kinds of things."

Alice laughed once more, and I didn't get a word out of either of them the rest of the way home.


	2. Packages

**Summary: **Three brothers, one plain box, and the reason why identical initials are a problem.

**Note on "Packages": **The inspiration for this fic was two-fold. One, HMonster4 issued a challenge for everyone to write her some more Emmett fics before Valentine's Day. And two, on the _Ithaca is Gorges_ Twilighted thread, a long discussion about the similarities of the saga's character's names prompted kittandchips to ask a very provocative question. These two things collided in my head one evening while I was making tea, and "Packages" was born.

**Packages  
**for KittandChips and HMonster4

It was one of those completely plain packages. Too plain, really. Red-and-white Priority Mail stickers, and a simple return address.

A simple return address I recognized.

And it was addressed to _E. Cullen. _

I was going to have a fucking _field day_.

Footsteps fell at the doorway before I'd had a chance to think further about how best to wield this dangerous information. "What has you so excited?" came my brother's voice. He already had a tiny smile on his face, confused as it was.

I held up the box. "I just brought in the mail. _This _came."

Jasper took it from my hands. He inspected it, front, back and sides, before handing it back, looking all kinds of confused.

"What?"

The laugh was out before I could stop it as I tapped the return address. "This."

He looked at it again. "D & F Systems. So…you ordered a computer part?"

"I didn't order shit," I shot back. "_Edward _bought this. And I know this address. It's an online sex toy store."

Jasper's eyes got huge. "Really?"

"Yeah, Rose and me have ordered stuff from there before. You know, they send stuff under a fake return address and all that. This is the fake address."

A grin spread across my brother's face. He took the box back from me and shook it with fascination. "Sounds big," he said, and then added immediately, "He must be making up for something."

Making up for something. That was a good question. "Have you ever seen it?"

"Seen Prudeward? You _must_ be joking." Jasper looked thoughtful, turning the box over in his hands. "It would explain, though…"

"Explain what?"

"Well, you know, Tanya has a lot of experience. If he's not packing…"

We both threw hands over our mouths at once; Jasper's laugh came out half-choked, like a donkey.

"Where is he?" Jasper said a moment later when we'd both recovered. "I want to be here when he finds this out."

"Finds what out, exactly?"

Edward was standing in the doorway, his arms crossed over his chest. He always looked like that—holier-than-thou. But I was having the last laugh on this one.

"This, little brother." I threw him the package, and he frowned at it. Typical Edward. It was impossible to get a real reaction out of him, because he'd see what reaction you expected and do just the opposite. "Oh, enough of _that,_" I added. "We know your dirty little secret. What is it?"

He rolled his eyes. "I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about, Emmett. Perhaps you ought to explain. I would ask you to do it simply, but for you there is no other way."

Oh, he had not just said that. I shot across the room to catch him in a headlock, but he dropped the package and was on the other wall before I got to him. I _hated _his stupid mind-reading.

"Only because it gives me an edge," he answered, still laughing. "Now, what is this about?"

"Nothing," Jasper said coolly. "We're just proud of you, that's all."

Edward's eyes narrowed. "Proud of me…for…what?"

"For getting over yourself, Prudeward." I grinned, picking up the box again. Crossing the room, I slugged him in the shoulder. As always, he winced.

The lightweight.

"It's about time you showed Bella why it's good to love a vampire," I said.

For my money, he looked even more confused. "I dislike that nickname," he answered slowly. "And what the hell has gotten into you two?"

"Come on now, Edward," Jasper said, his wide grin spreading across his face again. "We know what's in here. We know where it's from. Emmett said he and Rose ordered from here before. It's okay, brother. You can man up. It's a good thing to want to give your woman some pleasure. I mean, were it me, I'd do it with the tool God already gave me, but you want to wait, and that's certainly..._noble_."

The last word came out as a snort, and I was done for. The next thing I knew, Edward was prying the box out of my hands as I doubled over guffawing.

"What the—" He was looking over the box again. "Emmett, this is addressed to you."

"Oh, I didn't buy _shit,_ Little Brother," I answered. "You're going to have to own up to this one. Caught red handed. Or…white-handed, maybe."

Jasper snickered.

Winding Edward up was always fun, because he eventually got to the point where he started pitching a hissy fit. Always. You almost expected him to start stamping his foot like a little girl. And sure enough, we were there.

"I. Did. Not. Order. That."

"_Sure_ you didn't." I clapped him on the shoulder. "Just as an FYI, it's generally considered a bad idea to get her used to something bigger. That thing in there is huge, if it's what I think it is."

"I—" he practically snarled at me, but he clearly changed his mind about the approach and whirled on the third party. His face went back to that cool look that he learned from Carlisle at one point or another. "Jasper, I don't know what he told you, but it wasn't the truth."

"Oh no, little one, you are _not _getting out of this—"

But Jasper was suddenly frowning. He looked from Edward, to me, to the box, and back to Edward. "He's not lying, Ed."

I started to say, "I told you so," but Jasper beat me to the punch.

"And neither are you."

What?

"That's what I said," Edward spat. "I don't know where this came from, but it's not mine. I don't know what's in it; I don't want to know." He shoved it back at me with such force the box crushed partway under his fingers. "But take it and do whatever it is you do with…whatever it is."

I fingered the box for a second, as Edward continued with his little-girl pout. Jasper was still frowning, looking from me, to Edward, to the box, and back to me. His head was cocked to the side real funny. And then his look changed from confused to a sly smile.

"Jasper?"

He looked back at the box in my hands. "E. Cullen?" he said dryly.

"That'd be what it says."

"Well," he said, his voice was shaking with laughter, "if it isn't you, and it isn't Edward…"

Not me; not Edward?

Oh, _hell _no.

The package went skidding across the floor.

Jasper was already doubled over wheezing, and Edward's lip was curling in disgust. And of course that was the moment she breezed through the doorway as though she'd been listening to our entire conversation.

Which I reckon she probably had.

"Hello, boys," she said sweetly. She bent to the floor, picked up the nondescript box, and smiled. "Thanks for bringing in the mail, Emmett. I've been waiting for this." She scrutinized the three of us for a moment—Edward's shock, my horror, Jasper's poorly-contained laughter. "I thought all of you were going hunting?"

Well if we hadn't been before, we sure as hell were now. I had _no_ intentions of finding out what was in that box, on purpose or by accident.

"We're on our way," I heard Edward say absently, his jaw still gaping a little. But he didn't move.

She frowned at us. "Are you okay?"

I felt myself nodding, and I could see Edward's head bobbing up and down, too. It was Jasper who controlled his laughter just long enough to squeak out the line that ruined us all:

"But it's...it's _huge_."

And I will be forever damned but that she didn't give all three of us the most patronizing, motherly face as she answered him.

"A woman gets used to a certain size, Jasper." She shook the box in our direction and the item rolled around with a heavy thunk. "And I would be careful, were I you, assuming that any given man needs to 'make up' for anything." With another smile, she turned on her heel and was gone.

Three jaws dropped open and stayed there for several minutes, long after we heard her disappear onto the third floor.

Edward was the first to recover the powers of speech.

"She _did_ mean Carlisle's—"

"Shut up!" Jasper and I yelled at once.

I was still staring at the spot where Esme had vanished. If the mysterious box hadn't disappeared, it was almost as though she had never been there at all. Which, now that I thought about it, was probably the way to play it.

"This. Never. Happened," I muttered.

Edward nodded. "Agreed."

Jasper looked meaningfully at us both. "Let us never mention it again," he said solemnly.

We made tracks for the front door before any sound could float down from upstairs.


	3. Tweet, Tweet!

**Note on Tweet, Tweet:** Peter Facinelli was interviewed a while ago about his twitter. In the course of the interview, he said, "Carlisle would definitely have a twitter." I was subsequently challenged by friends to write Carlisle's twitter feed.

I made some minor adjustments to the presentation of Twitter just to make it easier to follow (not the least of which was putting the oldest tweets at the top so that it can be read in order). I also didn't put in timestamps, but suffice it to say that sometimes there's a longer gap between tweets than others. Suspend disbelief as needed. This is set in 2010, making Nessie physically 3.5, and given that her rate of growth decays exponentially, I'm imagining puts her at about young teen/tween.

As always, the characters and their world belong to Stephenie Meyer. Any mistakes I've made in interpreting them, are, of course, my own.

**Tweet, Tweet!  
**or**, How to Get a Workaholic Out of His Office**

for Peter

Feb. 17, 2010

**VampDad** I don't care what Oracle says. Charting was easier before computers.

**1901Pianist** (a)**VampDad** Someone's bored.

**VampDad** (a)**1901Pianist** It's alive! (Or…not.)

**1901Pianist** (a)**VampDad** :eyeroll: Your text messages are coming through fine, just so you know.

**VampDad** (a)**1901Pianist** Oh good. Because I was starting to wonder if Verizon had managed to cut off you and only you.

**1901Pianist **(a)**VampDad** Very funny.

**LochNessMonst** OMG! SO CUTE! RT: (a)BradPitt Pics of the kids—paparazzi caught us in Zambia. bit(.)ly/Cmiy5y

**VampDad** (a)**1901Pianist** …isn't Brad Pitt pushing 50?

**1901Pianis**t (a)**VampDad** I got that tweet, too. :\

**1901Pianist **(a)**SuaCantante** We need to have a talk with the daughter.

**LochNessMonst** (a)1901Pianist I can read your tweets, Dad.

**SuaCantante **At Costco. 'Tis noisy and very red.

**1901Pianist **(a)**SuaCantante** Why are you at a grocery store?

**VampDad **(a)**SuaCantante** Why are you at a grocery store?

**GrizzlyKiller **(a)**SuaCantante** Why are you at Costco?

**SuaCantante **(a)**1901Pianist** (a)**VampDad** (a)**GrizzlyKiller** I just want you all to know that Esme's response was, "Men."

**VampDad **(a)**SuaCantante** Is that where she is?

**SuaCantante **(a)**1901Pianist** (a)**VampDad** (a)**GrizzlyKiller** I have children to feed.

**1901Pianist **(a)**SuaCantante** Plural? Because I missed the other…love child with the wolf?

**GrizzlyKiller **(a)**1901Pianist** I kinda love you right now, bro.

**SuaCantante (a)1901Pianist** (a)**GrizzlyKiller** I'm not talking to either of you anymore.

**LochNessMonst** (a)**1901Pianist** I can still read your tweets, Dad.

**LochNessMonst** (a)**1901Pianist** Also…ew?

**SuaCantante **(a)**VampDad** Esme says to turn your phone back on if you're just sitting at your desk.

**VampDad **(a)**SuaCantante** What makes her think I'm just sitting at my desk?

**SuaCantante **(a)**VampDad** Carlisle, you just tweeted me back in under thirty seconds.

**VampDad **(a)**SuaCantante** Point taken. Have her ring me again.

**8CylinderRoses **I want a Zagato. One without a working engine.

**CrystalBall **(a)**8CylinderRoses** Christmas…

**GrizzlyKiller **HEY!

**CrystalBall **(a)**GrizzlyKiller** See, well, now you've gone and spoiled it. I was just suggesting it *might* happen…

**GrizzlyKiller **(a)**CrystalBall** I'm going to tear you to pieces when I get home.

**CrystalBall **(a)**GrizzlyKiller** I don't see myself in pieces tonight, so good luck with that. :-)

**SuaCantante **(a)**CrystalBall** (a)**GrizzlyKiller** Esme says to knock it off.

**GrizzlyKiller **(a)**SuaCantante** I thought you weren't talking to me? (a)**1901Pianist**

**GrizzlyKiller **Besides, isn't (a)**CrystalBall** supposed to be with the spawn? Why is she on twitter?

**LochNessMonst **is opposed to being called "the spawn."

**GrizzlyKiller **What? It's funny.

**8CylinderRoses **It's rude.

**AlphaMale1989 **(a)**GrizzlyKiller **Are you LOOKING for a throw-down?

*****Direct message from SuaCantante **Okay, what on earth did you just say to Esme?

*****D SuaCantante **Just that I thought I might need to stay late this evening.

**1901Pianist **I can't side with you on the spawn thing, E. She's my daughter.

**LochNessMonst **(a)**1901Pianist** Thanks, Dad.

**GrizzlyKiller **(a)**AlphaMale1989** Oh, bring it, wolfieboy.

**GrizzlyKiller **(a)**AlphaMale1989** Wait….are YOU over there?

**GrizzlyKiller **(a)**LochNessMonst** BUSTED! (a)**1901Pianist**

*****Direct message from SuaCantante **She's really hoping you'll be home tonight.

*****Direct message from SuaCantante **She's doing that Esme thing where she smiles but you know you've totally let her down?

*****D SuaCantante **Well, shit.

**SuaCantante **Carlisle!

**GrizzlyKiller **(a)**SuaCantante** Ooh, what'd he do?

**SuaCantante **He just DMed me the s-word!

**GrizzlyKiller **Hot damn!

**1901Pianist **(a)**VampDad** I'm…so proud of you. :sniff:

**LochNessMonst **(a)**SuaCantante** I know that the "s-word" is "shit." It's okay. Really.

**SuaCantante **You're setting a bad example. (a)**VampDad**.

**VampDad **I HIT ENTER BY MISTAKE! Do we need to have a debate?

**CrystalBall **(a)**VampDad** I was trying to tweet to stop you, but that was too last-minute.

**1901Pianist **(a)**VampDad** My, you're getting saucy in your old age.

**8CylinderRoses ** - -is just laughing.

**VampDad **…saucy?

**LochNessMonst **(a)**VampDad** Saucy. Like, fresh.

**VampDad **…fresh?

**VampDad **is wondering when he became food.

**1901Pianist **:sigh: urbandictionary(.)com (a)**VampDad **Look it up.

**VampDad **Weren't we just talking about (a)**AlphaMale1989**?

**AlphaMale1989** I'm in my apartment, not at E and B's.

**LochNessMonst **…did I just get scapegoated by Granddad?

**VampDad **((a)**LochNessMonst** Sorry, Sweet.)

**1901Pianist **(a)**LochNessMonst** Is your hw done, Miss Tweety?

**LochNessMonst **(a)**1901Pianist** Um…it's just an essay on the reconstruction. It's getting done, don't worry.

**LochNessMonst **((a)**VampDad **It's your birthday, you're forgiven. But only today.)

**1901Pianist (a)LochNessMonst **What do you mean "It's getting done?"

**1901Pianist **(a)**SouthShallRise** Are you doing her homework?

**AlphaMale1989 **Well, it's firsthand knowledge, right?

**SuaCantante **(a)**SouthShallRise** Jasper!

**SouthShallRise **I don't use this thing, remember?

**1901Pianist **(a)**SouthShallRise** We got you an iPhone for a reason.

**SouthShallRise **Get off my back.

**GrizzlyKiller **(a)**SouthShallRise** I bet there's an app for that.

*****D SuaCantante **Is *this* why Esme is upset? RT (a)**LochNessMonst **((a)**VampDad **It's your birthday, you're forgiven. But only today.)

*****D SuaCantante **Oh**. **That's why you're at Costco, too. I see it, now.

**SouthShallRise **I'm turning off the ringer...

**LochNessMonst (a)SouthShallRise** Do you need my help?

**SouthShallRise **Not funny.

*****Direct Message from SuaCantante **You're a vampire. It's not actually possible that you forgot it was your birthday.

**1901Pianist **Look, I get home from work in 25 mins. There had better be an essay that is NOT written by my brother. Capisce? **(a)LochNessMonst**

**SuaCantante **(a)**1901Pianist** We're on our way home, too.

*****D SuaCantante **I didn't 's just not that big a deal. I've been 23 for a little while now.

**AlphaMale1989 **Hey, you guys bringin cake? **(a)SuaCantante**

*****Direct Message from SuaCantante **It's the only chance we get to celebrate you. Edward pouts if any of the rest of us get you Fathers' Day stuff.

**SuaCantante (a)AlphaMale1989 **Yep! Just for you. And maybe the Monster.

*****D SuaCantante **I just hate fusses. Something you and I have in common.

**LochNessMonst **is opposed to being called "the Monster."

**SuaCantante **(a)**LochNessMonst **It's said with love.

*****Direct Message from SuaCantante **We're just having a little family get-together, that's all. Then you and Esme will have the evening to yourselves.

*****D SuaCantante** With cake…

*****Direct Message from SuaCantante **The cake isn't actually for you.

**1901Pianist** (a)**CrystalBall **Would you check on the Monster and make sure she's not letting your husband write her essay?

**SuaCantante **(a)**1901Pianist** No worries. We're home and Esme just went to boot her off the computer.

**1901Pianist **Awesome.

*****D SuaCantante **I can think of things to do with the cake…

*****Direct Message from SuaCantante **!Has Edward explained to you the term "TMI"?

**EsmeAnne **(a)**VampDad** I just put the silk sheets on the bed…

** VampDad **(a)**EsmeAnne** :raises eyebrows:

**1901Pianist **AndI'm going to need to bleach my brain.

**8CylinderRoses **Thank god we have our own place right now…

**CrystalBall **Yep. That will do it. (a)**EsmeAnne**

**GrizzlyKiller **(a)**EsmeAnne** Do you even want us to join you for the evening? 'Cause it sounds like maybe you'd rather we didn't…

**1901Pianist **EMMETT!

**SuaCantante **EMMETT!

**LochNessMonst **(a)**EsmeAnne** I can read your tweets, Gram.

**1901Pianist **(a)**LochNessMonst** GET OFF TWITTER. NOW.

**EsmeAnne **(a)**VampDad** Can't wait for you to get home. I love you, sweetheart. Happy Birthday.

**1901Pianist **Happy Birthday, Dad.

**SuaCantante **Happy Birthday, Carlisle!

**LochNessMonst **Happy B-day, Granddad. ((a)**1901Pianist** Going!)

**8CylinderRoses **Happy Birthday, Carlisle.

**GrizzlyKiller **Happy Birthday, old man.

**Crystal Ball **Um, guys?He started turning off the computer at "silk sheets."

**LochNessMonst **I so did not need to know that…

_Windows is shutting down…_


End file.
